For two days I was up and at ‘em
out of my mind
back from the club, drunk, back out.
I was into the girl, Sheila (w/ tequila!)
that my friend was all over all night
buying her drinks
telling her the same stupid jokes over again.
I encouraged him to keep going
though I knew he didn’t have a chance in Hell:
‘Oh yeah, Man, she’s right into you!
You’ll be in her to the hilt within the hour!’
Not a chance in Hell.
But it’s what he wanted to hear
and other than the lesbian Goths fighting in the corner
it was the best entertainment around.
I made out with her in the elevator hours later.
It was sloppy, glorious
and going somewhere fast.
Before this as we all came back
drunks pouring into the place like a debaucherous plague
Sheila plopped herself on the couch
winked at me and started going through her purse
as I perused the immediate area for my lost phone
and found it.
It was at the other end of the coffee table that
could not be seen because it was covered in empties
and for some reason I thought I could simply
lean over far enough to defy physics
in reaching across to fetch it.
It didn’t work.
Not even close.
Instead I crashed face-first onto the wooden surface.
My body quickly followed, sprawling all over it
knocking all the bottles off ;
clankety-clank rolling everywhere on the hardwood floor.
Sheila shrieked and ran from the room laughing hysterically
as I continued to lie there.
It seemed like a good place to rest.
I had failed miserably at performing a simple task
almost knocked myself out in the process
spilled everybody’s beer (Captain Asshole reporting for duty!)
and now she probably thought that I was a wreck
which I most blatantly was.
It was over.
I might as well just…lie here.
The household cat, looking for a warm soft surface
mounted my back, spread out like jam and started to purr.
At least someone was benefitting from the situation
until I decided to pull myself back up
and fix the mess
before the flashes and posts on Facebook
of me in yet another compromising position
resulted in another week in the garage
drinking because I regretted getting so drunk.
Twenty-minutes later I was alone with her in the elevator
had her up against the wall
all the way down
where Dave, the other delinquent drunk and I
took turns in some demented contest punching each other
hard in the gut
falling down and laughing between blows
because that’s what grown-ups do
when they drink enough tequila.
Next thing I know I was in a car heading to another town
with Dave driving while swigging another bottle
just as any irresponsible drunk would do
on any given night of the week
while Sheila and Tequila (yes, her name was Tequila)
blabbered endlessly away about punching girls out
which from my experience is what girls mostly talked about.
I ended up in some cold, foreign parking lot
after Dave smashed into the curb and killed the engine
with the look of utter satisfaction on his face
of another job well done.
No wonder he got fired from Toyota.
Dave then grabbed Tequila (both the bottle and the girl, hopefully he wouldn’t confuse the two)
shouted “For the Team!” at me from a warm-looking well-lit doorway
I looked around me.
I was alone.
I had a fleeting moment of terror
where Dave had left me in another town on my own
because he was the world’s biggest asshole
when he wasn’t the world’s biggest drunk
and now I was fucked
because I was too wasted to have had enough sense
to have dive-rolled out of the car
as it left the parking lot from which we came
and now I was going to get mugged, raped and eventually die of exposure
in that specific order
because of booze and chics
and that is what should read on my tombstone:
‘Booze and Chics!’
because by this point in my life I had amounted to little else
and am probably not the horse that you should bet on.
I started to hyperventilate.
I needed a paper bag and a place to stay.
That’s when I heard from behind me,
“Are you coming in or what?”
I looked over to Sheila standing in the warm-looking well-lit doorway
next to where Dave disappeared
so I guess Sheila and Tequila were neighbours
and Dave hadn’t fucked me after all
he just forgot to fill me in with the deets
and at that moment I could have kissed the haggard jackal
but I’ll rather take my chances with Sheila instead.
I stumbled over and gave her a hug that turned into a kiss.
We passed the living room on our calamitous way upstairs.
It was littered with toys.
“How many kids do you have?” I asked.
“Christ! Do you have any condoms?”
She sighed and pulled me into her bedroom,
onto the bed.
I undid her everything and followed suit.
But before I settled in I hovered above her
checked out her sick rack
and savoured that moment
when you’re about to sleep with a stranger.
Good work Hernin! Keep it up!