The good doctor placed a stethoscope on my chest
and listened.
“This is quite irregular,” he said. “You only have half a heartbeat.”

“I know, Doc, I know…” I sighed.

“It’s shrinkflation.

It’s how I feel
about the coming election.

It’s an involuntary response
to the harsh reality of strangers
at the local Stop N’ Go.

It’s been silenced
by woke culture.

It’s been outsourced
downsized
and deregulated.

My dog ate it.
My ex wife and lawyer
had seconds.

It’s been sanctioned by the UN
for my role
In the energy crisis.

It’s in my back pocket
along with a receipt for something
that I cannot return

and a picture
of me with a celebratory blunt

at yet another summit
that wasn’t worth the hike.

How’s my cholesterol?