I gutted the chapter
because it was downright hideous.
What the Hell was I thinking?
That I could turn this macabre piece of bird shit
into something that was a joy to read?
I felt insane. Defeated.
I might as well jerk off and go to bed
but I was a fighter
because God never stopped pissing on my soul
so I went through it all again
slashing, hacking, mutilating
sometimes screaming as I did so
but I cleaned it out good
and then filled in the blanks
with something that made sense
thinking the whole time:
why was I a writer?
Why the fuck was I a Goddamn writer?
I would never be anybody. I was shit.
What a momentous waste of time!
I pounded at the keyboard
drank some wine
next thing I knew it was four in the morning.
“Jesus wept!” I cried.
I had to go to bed
so that I could wake up early before work
and work on this chapter again
because I was a lunatic in obvious need of rehabilitation.
Writing was a hard line to sell
even to yourself
even for all you other writers out there.
Goddamn you all to Hell.
I need a drink.
You are a writer because it is part of you and you are great at it!! I think God is doing a mighty work in you….my own personal opinion. All I know for sure is that you ARE a writer….a darn good one!!
Thanks but wait until you see tomorrow’s post. You’ll probably change your mind about the God part.
Yeah, being a writer is something like that. Always enjoy reading your words.
Hey thanks! And yeah I have definitely had my moments. I have slowed myself down to enjoy the process a little more as I was pulling my own hair out and it wasn’t worth it. It shouldn’t feel like a chore but sometimes ambition makes it one and you have to remind yourself that you really don’t need to finish the book in so short of a time if it’s going to make you hate it.
Yeah. I really try to write my first drafts in under a month but it has just been too much lately. I like your idea of slowing down and enjoying the process. Makes me feel a little better about the novel I’m working on now and kinda burned out on after 25,000 words. Thanks for the advice.
Anytime, my friend! I had just put my current project off for the weekend because I’m rewriting an old novel and it’s very being very difficult to fix and I’m not going to put something out that I know is not working so I almost scraped it several times but each time I take a breather and bit by bit put it together and today had a few revelations about it and am now excited again to be working on it because I know there is something in this book. I know if I do it right it will shine. But sometimes the struggle can really get to you. Now I’m working on it with renewed energy.
Well good luck. I’m thinking about doing the same with my novel and starting back at it this week. Hopefully it works out well for both of us.
I am sure it will.