I’m working on rewriting an old novel right now and it’s just like trying to patch up a desperately wounded creature that is constantly trying to crawl away.
I gutted the chapter
because it was downright hideous.
What the Hell was I thinking?
That I could turn this macabre piece of bird shit
into something that was a joy to read?
I felt insane. Defeated.
I might as well jerk off and go to bed
but I was a fighter
because God never stopped pissing on my soul
so I went through it all again
slashing, hacking, mutilating
sometimes screaming as I did so
but I cleaned it out good
and then filled in the blanks
with something that made sense
thinking the whole time:
why was I a writer?
Why the fuck was I a Goddamn writer?
I would never be anybody. I was shit.
What a momentous waste of time!
I pounded at the keyboard
drank some wine
next thing I knew it was four in the morning.
“Jesus wept!” I cried.
I had to go to bed
so that I could wake up early before work
and work on this chapter again
because I was a lunatic in obvious need of rehabilitation.
Writing was a hard line to sell
even to yourself
even for all you other writers out there.
Goddamn you all to Hell.
I need a drink.
It’s a funny story. I was working heavily on my third novel for over the course of a whole year fully intent on the finished product being the darkest, most horrifically intense and emotionally engaging cerebral masterpiece ever written! The problem was that I had never gotten past the first chapter. In fact, I kept on rewriting it so by that time I had twelve first chapters. Well, I don’t have them anymore. I purged all the files and burned the hard-copies in my backyard one night on the tail end of a whiskey bottle and my own sanity.
It was during this time that I started a new project, a complete reversal of the very thing I was trying so hard to create in both style and subject matter. It was the satire of a common fairy tale that surrounded two characters I had created based on my very colourful best-friend and his flighty hippy girlfriend at the time (God bless her magical soul). The whole thing started off as a joke with a very long punch-line and before you knew it I was halfway done and loving every minute of writing it. I had never approached comedy before but quickly became rather hooked on seeing what kind of off-beat characters and calamitous situations I could come up within the context of the story. Fourteen chapters and one-hundred and thirteen thousand words later I was finished.
That book is called ‘Tale of the Nightmare Princess’ and I am now going through the motions of putting it out on Amazon. Check it out:
Here’s the synopsis:
This was a mistake
In an age of utter calamity, two unsavoury monks about to be hanged for crimes against humanity and other, more interesting species are instead reluctantly brought before a drunkard king and given a task only slightly better than death: to guide his daughter, the Nightmare Princess, to an unholy matrimony with the Prince of Darkness.
Nobody is safe
The hastily formed dysfunctional group of outcasts quickly embark on a drug-laced, alcohol-fuelled journey fraught with disaster as they carve a path of chaos across the land, leaving a trial of fiery devastation behind them that consumes evil foe and innocent bystander alike.
Only death awaits
Haunted through the night by the ominous drumbeats of a vast army that pursues them solely intent on their annihilation, the group treads through forest, village and mountain facing unrelenting menace on their way to the ultimate battle that will decide the fate of all things to come…and it has never looked so horrifyingly bad!
And you are in my face
Untrusting of each other and the world around them, the group must battle with their own demons and survive one another first as only when the pills are gone, the flask is empty and the unknown army is closing in like the darkness that surrounds them will they find their greatest challenge –themselves (and their cat).
And here’s a sample from the book:
Hemer was having a bad night. His day was pretty shitty too. In fact, as soon as he laid eyes on the bald maniac parading around in a monk’s robe everything had turned into one big freak show. Upon awakening Hemer began to recall being eaten by two whores of Hell and dying in front of an exploding bar. As everything began to sink in and spin Hemer opened his mouth and it was dry. He wanted blood and lots of it. The more the better. Wait, there was probably something wrong with that. Hemer had never experienced such thirst for human blood before so that was definitely new.
“Fuck, I’m a vampire.” Hemer realized. Things could not possibly get any worse than this.
“No shit.” He heard a voice say from behind him. Suddenly things became very bright and very hot, very fast. Hemer didn’t need to open his eyes to know that he had just been set on fire. His night had just gotten worse. It might have been a contender for one of the worst nights in the history of mankind.
Coming out soon! (unless something else goes horribly wrong which I really wouldn’t be surprised if it did but I do suppose that you should have a sense of bravado when announcing such things so there it is)
Would love it if you would give it a look when TOTNP comes out and please let me know what you think. I have a few things I will be working on getting out in the near (and far) future and would like to know how I can improve so your feedback is valuable to me. Above all, thank you for your interest and support.