Tag Archives: hipster

How I Open Doors For Hipsters

I open doors for hipsters
when they’re on a bike
and I’m in a car.

You had to get it just right.
Timing was everything.
It wasn’t easy.
I don’t think that most people would
appreciate how much of an art form
it really is.

The hardest part was getting close enough
to be effective
without them noticing.

First off,
you had to drive an unassuming car.
It couldn’t have looked like anything from Mad Max
or something equally as menacing.
The doors had to have heft
but not enough to lag when attempting to open it quickly
and the longer the door the better.
That’s why two door coupes always worked the best.

Routes were easy to pick.
Universities and downtown areas
were always abundant.
Otherwise anywhere with coffee would do.

Targeting them was even easier.
Visual assessment was Fast and Furious (Vin)
thanks to the beard
the absurdly large sunglasses
the sweater vest
the knitted cap
the legs rotating the pedals like an
awkward malnourished chicken.

The key was that
you needed two people
that were able to really work well together.
Team spirit, you know.

“Look, look, look! There’s one there, see him?”
“Short ginger fuck that dresses like Kanye west? Yeah, I got this.”
“He’s gonna get it good.”
“Fucker’s going sailing without a ship.”

You rev up beside him
maybe just a little closer
and then WHAM!
You had to really lean into it
against the wind and
manage to close it afterwards
with you still inside
but it was worth it
every time.

It didn’t take much
as we weren’t trying to murder anybody here
a slight little light maiming would do.

Feeling the impact of the door,
the vibration, the moment of reaching out
and connecting on so personally a level
even the little squeak the hipster FUCK made
as they flew off the bike towards an unforgiving curb
was absolutely enthralling
so rapturous that
everything was hushed afterwards
like the crowd before erupting to a winning goal.

It felt like God was watching.

“Right into the fire hydrant, Damn!”
“Fuck yeah! Blame the media, Hipster, blame your MOTHER!”

There was nothing quite like it.
It gave you shivers down your spine
and made you want to do it again
but most times you couldn’t as
once they caught on
the fun would be over
so you waited
until the time was right
and you always knew when that was.
You just knew…

and when it came
you picked up the phone
and called your buddy
giving them a pick-up point
with the advice:
make sure you aren’t followed.

Then you get behind the wheel.
You slide on the leather gloves
turn on the engine
listen to it purr with eyes closed
feel the rhythm the heartbeat of the car
feel one with the car
your doors will connect today
they will…

then crank up the Insane Clown Posse.

Now you’re ready to start hunting

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This poem is not intended to offend anybody but Chad.


Praying to Some Hindu God

You’ve got to watch out for them.
You know, the ones that think
this world is nice
the ones that preach peace
even when there is no real cause for it
the ones that hug strangers and feed the ducks
their lunch while whistling
Neil Young and praying to some
Hindu god.

You know,

But sure, go ahead
go fall into them.
Some call it love while others
call it a desperate need to
thump some flesh and soon you’ll
find a blade at your throat
in the middle of the night
as you try to sleep
because you left the toilet seat up
or a plugged-in radio
half-heartedly tossed into your bath
because you don’t like red canaries
or an ice pick in your gut
cause it’s raining
or Drano in your drink
because it’s fucking Sunday

And only at that moment
as you hemorrhage and your eyes
bleed or you just burst into flames
you will finally realize what the deal is
as you think to yourself:
‘Holy Mother of FUCK!
I did not see that coming!’

And the next morning
You will be able to find them
at the park
hugging strangers
feeding the ducks their lunch
while whistling Neil Young
and praying to some
Hindu god.