Be strong
even when you’re not.
Even when places
and people
become impossible.
Even when every room is unfriendly,
every day a shame,
every step a burden
and when giving up
seems like a breath of
fresh air.
Do not stop.
Do not cease.
Do not hesitate.
Don’t be like them.
Don’t be like them.
Move forward instead
and when it hurts,
when it aches,
when you bleed
smile.
Eventually you learn
that there is no other way.
She absently plays
with the stitches across
her lips.
Her eyes
have more sky
than sky.
Laughter like wind chimes
she holds out her hands
to collect the rain
hides all her light
where nobody is allowed
and I’ve walked past her a million times
a million times.
I almost feel like begging
for the big grand knife or
the slender shivering blade
in these abundant alleyways
filled with uncertain strangers
with cartoon eyes and
teeth yellowed from manic sweets
(clowns, jugglers, thieves
in sharp expensive suits)
but all that they do
is kill me with conversation
until sleep gravity takes me down
wondering
why
the pen is too often so heavy
when everything else seems so much
like air filled with
the dust of long dead sheep
and the constant drum
of outdated machinery.
I don’t know
where the light is
anymore
in all of this running around.
Grace
has left me
and I’m still young
bent from callous, careless hands
left
a beaten graffitied trashcan
turned over and
motionless at the mouth of an alley.
There is always a child
screaming into my ear
from somewhere deep inside.
It’s not what it used to be
and the pain-killers
are killing me.
I wish that I could
close the door
shut the windows
keep you out
all of you
not let you in
-this feeling this feeling
rises
like the angry voice
of the night city.
I’ve carved my words
through heart
and from wounds
my endless rage
and my way
through endless everything.
Eyes darkened,
child,
I can finally see through the night.
Breathless,
I wait for the sun.
There was this girl at school
Quiet Melody
was her name.
She used to hide in her hair.
Long and black it was
like a raven’s back
and she used it
as a curtain
so that nobody could see her.
When people addressed her
Melody would wave sheepishly
distantly
as though from another planet
and not say anything at all.
She had this favourite spot
on the floor
that she would stare at.
I often wondered
what she thought about
when she did.
You see,
she had this face
that could pierce your heart
it was just so beautiful.
Thinking back,
it was a real damn shame
that nobody
ever told her that.
Some people are such
empty vessels
that it fills me with pain
until I look away.
The only thing harder
than thinking that I could ever
be anything to anyone
is trying to explain that
to anybody.
Trying to find a place to park
once you’re finally here
just to get in and be confronted with
large congregations of people
lining up all over the place
to drink to sit to eat
to go to the bathroom
at sporting events, concerts
amusement parks
gathering, grazing, gawking
at each other
Yeah, I like to watch them too
people are stories
walking by you
but to immerse myself in
such a zoo of humanity
and even pay to do so
to me is insane.
So you go ahead
I’ll be in the field
lying beneath a tree
with a book in my lap
and only the song birds
for company
loving every minute of it.
I will not bend forward
to give you a light
to pass you the bread
to lend you a hand
This is sustained by a state of agitation
and attrition of spirit
and I am sorry that I cannot abide
by what is expected
There are angels out there
selfless devotees of compassion
that would aid you without question
my brother is one of them
I am not and
I cannot even tell you
at which point that part of me died
and I can see the upset
the disappointment
in your face
but I just don’t care
anymore
and the saddest part of it is
that I don’t even know why
