Tag Archives: self doubt

The Dust Of Long Dead Sheep

It’s always time for the rodeo
when I’ve accepted the fetal position
as a way of life for fear
of putting on the clown suit.

Doubt comes barging in
like a mad cocaine pirate
that I welcome on-board
with streamers, ribbons and balloons
as my dreams vacuously congeal
into dried husks so often that I pray
for monsters under my bed
with dollars in my teeth.

It’s all relative to whatever
disaster I touch and mold into shape
using the clay that mother gave me.

I almost feel like begging
for the knife in these alleyways
filled with uncertain strangers with
cartoon lives
but all they do is
kill me with conversation until
I trip on slumber wondering
why the pen is so heavy
when everything seems so much like air
on which floats the dust
of long dead sheep.

A Glaring Bout of Self Doubt

Tonight
it sits like a stone in my stomach
Life

How vulnerable I am
How I will eventually
perish

The love the friendships
I have given away
for nothing

I have made myself physically strong
I have made myself mentally strong
but it’s never good enough
for the beast lurking
around the corner
never

I always try to make myself better
tomorrow
than I am today
but I just don’t know if it’s
enough
when it matters

Because all of the things that
fuck with me I can’t put
into my pocket
it’s there in my eyes
burning in my chest
painted all over my face

and I don’t give a piss
what anybody thinks
this is me
against myself
today tomorrow
always

yet after all the time the work
the mistakes the fights
the failures and triumphs
when I have never been more in a position to be
certain of myself
secure and confident
in what I’ve done am doing
who I am

all that I am is scared

tonight
it sits like a stone in my stomach
life

and I breathe
and I breathe

and I have never been more in love
with breathing.