Sleeping With Both Eyes Open (I Thought You Were Dead)

One of my cats
sleeps with both eyes open so
often when I get home and see it
nestled on top of the couch
like a twizzler
paws up in the air
head twisted violently vertical
both glazed eyes staring out
at nothing unblinking
I will think that it’s dead
and will feel compelled
to look into the matter.

So I would go into the kitchen
to return with a spatula
and begin to prod it
waking it from relentless slumber
to meow and yawn
at the same time
in response
which makes it look and sound
a lot like a scream
and I will then regret
tormenting the poor thing
with a spatula
if it has come down to it
screaming at me
like so.

Next time
I’ll try something more subtle
like the oven mitts
cause that won’t
totally scare the crap out of it.
Not one bit.

The cat is getting on in years
and one day it will pass on
all things do
especially things that are furry
and cute.
They pay for it. They do.
Because nothing screams death
like a teddy bear
and when my cat finally does
cash out its chips
I will most likely have some veterinarian
over for tea
and while on my couch
she will turn her head
to stare directly into its
frozen stare of harrowing death.

“Is your cat dead?” She will ask, alarmed.
“Nah, it’s all good.” I will mutter
or just blatantly ignore her and
continue watching Duck Dynasty.

In being of the profession that
tends to such things she will naturally
check for a pulse and there will be none
as in fact the poor thing will have
by this time
gone into rigor mortis days ago
and will even have
flies already settling
upon the cadaver and I will look like
the biggest asshole in the world
or even quite possibly bigger
as I will be out
one possible love interest
and certainly down
one cat.

You just watch.

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10 thoughts on “Sleeping With Both Eyes Open (I Thought You Were Dead)

  1. “Because nothing screams death
    like a teddy bear” aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhahaha
    (dresses up as Teddy Bear and jabs own eyes out, posted outside grammas door)

    I love the last line, how it references Watching – like the cat itself…Eyes Sewn Wide Open

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