Tag Archives: cat

THAT’S NOT MY CAT

I was reaching for a melon
in the produce section
of the local grocery mart
when a paw shot out
from behind it to
vigorously swat at my hand
and the black head of a
growling cat appeared
with large excited yellow eyes.

A passing lady looked at me askew.
“That’s not my cat.” I said.

She quietly turned her attention
to the cucumbers. They were
rather big this year.

“Nice Kitty, go play.” I suggested
and went for another melon but
the cat stretched its long, thin body
out across the entire bin and started
swatting at my hand again.

“Go away! I’m not your play-toy.”
‘Meow.’

When I arrived at the register
the cat was there waiting for me
right on the conveyor.

The listless teenage cashier looked like
she was trying to paint her fingernails
with her mind.

“That’s not my cat.”
“What cat?” The girl said as she absently
grabbed it and scanned the cat through
right behind the potatoes.

As I left the store and was
crossing the parking lot
a lady came running out to me.
“Sir! Sir! You forgot your cat!”
She was obese and out of breath.

Other than why would I bring a cat
to the grocery store I said,
“That’s not my cat.”

“But Sir, it says so right here on the collar.”
She turned the purring cat over and
flipped the tag on its red collar.

‘I belong to that guy.’ It read.

I took the cat and tossed it in the cart
right beside the potatoes
wheeled the cart over and unloaded
the things into my hatchback then
brought it to the cart corral
with the cat still inside.

I ran back to my car and tore
out of the parking lot like I had just
robbed the store.

On the expressway halfway home
I felt a sudden soft batting on the
side of my head and heard a
meowing in my ear.

I almost crossed the medium
head-on into a tanker truck
on purpose but instead I
stopped at the nearest gas station
and let the cat out of the car
as a family of four watched.

“That’s not my cat.” I said.
The girl giggled.
The boy gave me the finger.

Arriving home as I pulled into the
driveway the headlights shone on the
same black cat with the red collar as
it sat and waited for me to arrive.

I sighed, “Nope. Nope. Tons of nope everywhere.
No way. Not again. Not a chance.”
But I picked up the cat anyway
and brought it inside.

Flicking on the kitchen light
I dropped the cat on the linoleum floor
where ten other black cats anxiously
waited to be fed.

Sleeping With Both Eyes Open (I Thought You Were Dead)

One of my cats
sleeps with both eyes open so
often when I get home and see it
nestled on top of the couch
like a twizzler
paws up in the air
head twisted violently vertical
both glazed eyes staring out
at nothing unblinking
I will think that it’s dead
and will feel compelled
to look into the matter.

So I would go into the kitchen
to return with a spatula
and begin to prod it
waking it from relentless slumber
to meow and yawn
at the same time
in response
which makes it look and sound
a lot like a scream
and I will then regret
tormenting the poor thing
with a spatula
if it has come down to it
screaming at me
like so.

Next time
I’ll try something more subtle
like the oven mitts
cause that won’t
totally scare the crap out of it.
Not one bit.

The cat is getting on in years
and one day it will pass on
all things do
especially things that are furry
and cute.
They pay for it. They do.
Because nothing screams death
like a teddy bear
and when my cat finally does
cash out its chips
I will most likely have some veterinarian
over for tea
and while on my couch
she will turn her head
to stare directly into its
frozen stare of harrowing death.

“Is your cat dead?” She will ask, alarmed.
“Nah, it’s all good.” I will mutter
or just blatantly ignore her and
continue watching Duck Dynasty.

In being of the profession that
tends to such things she will naturally
check for a pulse and there will be none
as in fact the poor thing will have
by this time
gone into rigor mortis days ago
and will even have
flies already settling
upon the cadaver and I will look like
the biggest asshole in the world
or even quite possibly bigger
as I will be out
one possible love interest
and certainly down
one cat.

You just watch.