Maria! Maria! Oh, God no…Maria!

3 Replies

We were driving back home on the freeway
doing about 180
both drunk killing tall cans by the minute
trunk stuffed with crushed empties.

Fuck the world
is what he said when he picked me up.

He had just gotten divorced
by some Maria down in Cuba and it was fresh
so often throughout the day
as we laid back on the beach
he would raise his bottle and shout
“Maria!” but it was more than that
it was more like: “Maria! Maria! Oh God no…Mariiiaaaa!”

I suppose those were tears leaking out of his eyes
filled with pain
but I couldn’t see straight by noon
and when we actually left six hours later
he was too drunk to not completely burn out
of the parking lot tires spinning
right in front of a cop who
immediately pulled us over.

“Maria!” He cried. “I’m so fucked.”
“Just be cool and we’ll be fine.” I lied
and got out of the car to start casual small talk
with a cop that was curt
no nonsense all business
what a bore
but he did let us go with just a warning
and my friend started driving away
while I was still half out of the car.

To this day I am completely amazed
that we didn’t get nailed for that
as before we even got out of the cop’s sight
he was already driving like a seasoned maniac
off his meds
with complete disregard for law or life
as I continued to swig back tall cans
wondering why I did this to myself
one maniac after another
because I was a maniac magnet
they come in all forms
cute and cuddly
marauding and malicious
doesn’t matter
they will find me
and turn everything into
what the fuck
in a matter of minutes.

I’m not surprised anymore
I just drink
and the last thing I recall
before arriving home somehow
was pissing in the middle of a busy intersection
with the car idling across somebody’s lawn.

Six months ago
he sent me a photo of himself
all sketched out on blow
surrounded by monkeys
with a terrified look on his face
when I asked him how he was doing.

lately I had received another photo
of him clasping the hearty tits of an
old five-dollar hooker from behind
with the message:
“Merry Christmas from Cuba, Motherfucker!”

Yeah, well Merry Christmas
to you too,
motherfucker.

Maria!

Looking For a New Ride to Break

10 Replies

Sometimes you lose control
of the car
so suddenly that it
flies spectacularly out
into the night
headlights staring up at God
bumper smiling at the
black nothingness
that has enveloped the world
(so quickly
does the sun die
in these times)
while inside
arms flailing
teeth grinding down
everything slows down for that
one final elongated second
as your mind
shows you old reruns of
bad sitcoms
instead of anything that was
monumental or important
and you abhor the fact that the
very last thing you’re going to see
before you die
is Bill Cosby’s face
as the car twirls as would a baton
in the hands of an angry cheerleader.

This is it, Man (you say to yourself).
Get ready.
I’m ready.

I’m so not ready.

The impact arrives as suddenly
as Christmas.
The car tumbles rolls and
pirouettes
like a rogue ballerina
until it turns over
one more time
-twitches, whines and finally
dies.

You open one eye.
It is still functioning so you
gamble to open the other.

You look down at yourself:
arms still there.
Legs, check.

Your manhood
will probably still function
after this and there is
nothing clamping you down or
sticking through you.

You are not part of the car.

Seeing that you’re not
completely wrecked
like the metallic shell that
surrounds you
you crawl out of where the
windshield once was and survey
the trail of glass and metal that
you have just donated to the highway.

That was close.
Too close.
Way too close.

When you going to learn?
Man,
when you going to learn?

Well, your cheque has not been cashed
this time.
It’s good to be alive
and stupid because God
must want you to live for the
sheer entertainment value.
He’s probably up there sitting
with his hand in the popcorn
delightfully confounded by
what a raving Jackass you truly are.

You could say that you’re not
going to do this again.

You could say it but instead
you wipe your jacket down
smile at the night
and head towards the conglomeration
of pinhead lights that signal
a nearby town

looking for a new ride to break.