Tag Archives: Beer

At The Bottom of a Snake-pit Fending Off a Dragon

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I was in an apartment building
I still have bad dreams about
at the west end of Cambridge
on the tail-end of being high for two days
but I wasn’t even sure on what.

People liked me so they always gave me things
and when I’m drunk I’ll drop whatever
like a champ
because I’m the Pacman
of human garbage receptacles.

For some bizarre reason I sat in a chair
in the middle of the living room
facing the front door
with some broad in my lap.

Seen her around but
never really got her name
just knew that she was trouble and
wondered if she thought the same of me.

Her ass felt good there.
There was enough of it to really make an impression.
I squeezed her breast and kissed her neck.
I didn’t give a fuck who was watching.

The front door opened and some
bald scary motherfucker
drunk out of his mind barged in.

From word on the street
he was bad-ass crazy and addicted to aerosol cans
and as he smashed his half-full beer
against the wall
got on his knees
raised his scarred arms and screamed
something in Japanese
-I believed it.

In fact,
I believed that this man could
start a fight
in an empty house.

The host
a grizzly chain-smoking native
in an torn Iron Maiden shirt
and Hello-Kitty sunglasses
calmly strolled over and started
feeding him uppercuts
like they were half-price at Walmart.

This was all happening right in front of me
so I was about to get up when the girl
wiggled around in excitement.

Sick bitch. I got hard.
I stayed.

Wham!
They were on the floor to the left of us

Wham! Wham!
Now to the right.

How they avoided hitting my chair
and us hitting the floor
to involuntarily join them in this orgy of violence
was an absolute miracle of God
(there is no God here).

Despite all the action
I started to close my eyes
wondering if I would wake up in Mexico
buried in a crate of oranges
when her cool, calm, soft, compelling
voice whispered into my ear
“You’re exhausted, Sweets. Let’s get you to bed.”
I couldn’t talk. I merely nodded.

Wham! Wham! Wham!
Yeah, that shit was still going on.

She got me on the mattress and undressed me
with the proficiency of a
hospital emergency ward
climbed on top of me and started kissing me
or more like trying to stab my tongue to death
with hers.

Her breath was terrible.
Did she ever fucking brush those things?

She seemed so nice, so cool and collective
up until now but this was what it was like
in the snake pit where everyone was vicious
if you gave them time or opportunity.

She turned beast…Dragon!
I felt trapped beneath her fire.
I didn’t want this. Maybe tomorrow.
Probably never.
She was started to make me sick.
Her smell, her weight on me, her tongue, her raspy laugh
-all of it

“Baby, no. I don’t think I can do this. I feel like
my soul is dying. There’s lots of gusto in the other room.
Go find one of them.”

“Fuck that! You’re the prettiest thing here. If you
don’t like it then just shut the fuck up and lie there.”

This was abuse. I was sure of it
because it wasn’t the first time
and I just wanted to turn her over
pin her down, smile and say,

‘So what if I said that to you, huh?
What if I fucking did this to you?’

“Christ, okay.” I replied sheepishly instead.
I was weak as a kitten and this girl
was going to get what she wanted
whether I liked it or not
because at the bottom of the snake pit
it was hard to push off
what slithered all over top of you
and sometimes you couldn’t
see the dragon
until the clothes came off.

So I closed my eyes
as she began to rock
back and forth

back and forth

back and…

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Fuck January

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It was -26C out.
I had turned the key twice but my car wouldn’t start.
It would just growl a little then die.
I gave it a dirty look.
It started.

I drove across a city
covered in ice as brittle as glass
and snow turned hard as stone
screaming along to a rap song I hated
but knew the words to anyways.

I passed a kid who had his tongue stuck to a pole.
His was frantically waving his arms about.
I gave him the finger and hit the gas.

I laughed. He looked like a penguin
except that he was holding a cellphone.
There you go, Buddy. Don’t need your tongue to
text your way out of this one.

Text, Motherfucker, text!

I got to her house and barged in wearing a squirrel.
Putting beers in the fridge I wondered why
it was cold as my ex’s dead heart inside
when she came down wearing a parka without pants
because nothing about her made sense
except her legs.

“I have baseboard heating. It’s too expensive.” She said.

I turned on the sink
hoping for some hot water to splash into my numbed face
but the pilot light must have been off because
it came out colder than glacier run-off in Alaska.
North Alaska.
I thought that it could have been
another money saving device.
What the fuck, was she a penguin too?

Penguins, they were everywhere…they were watching me.

I knew her for ten years.
We’ve only fucked twice
and that made me inexplicably sad
all of a sudden
so I cracked open a tall can.

“Really?” She said. “It’s 10AM.”
“Best to get an early start.”
“Why do you always drink?”
“It helps me face the absolute terror of every day.”
“So, you’re a coward is what you’re saying.”

Women were always on the attack with me.
They hated me secretly and used everything about me
against me with relative ease and the reason
that I hung out with them more than other guys
was because I was the biggest fucking masochist on the planet.

“Jesus, is EVERYTHING cold around here?” I shouted
then gulped the thing down.
‘Oh, that’s nice.” I said.

She laughed. “At least your beer is cold.”

“Yes, it is.” I said. “You are so maddeningly beautiful when you’re disappointed in me. Do you have any perks?”

She smiled, turned around and opened a cupboard.

Maria! Maria! Oh, God no…Maria!

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We were driving back home on the freeway
doing about 180
both drunk killing tall cans by the minute
trunk stuffed with crushed empties.

Fuck the world
is what he said when he picked me up.

He had just gotten divorced
by some Maria down in Cuba and it was fresh
so often throughout the day
as we laid back on the beach
he would raise his bottle and shout
“Maria!” but it was more than that
it was more like: “Maria! Maria! Oh God no…Mariiiaaaa!”

I suppose those were tears leaking out of his eyes
filled with pain
but I couldn’t see straight by noon
and when we actually left six hours later
he was too drunk to not completely burn out
of the parking lot tires spinning
right in front of a cop who
immediately pulled us over.

“Maria!” He cried. “I’m so fucked.”
“Just be cool and we’ll be fine.” I lied
and got out of the car to start casual small talk
with a cop that was curt
no nonsense all business
what a bore
but he did let us go with just a warning
and my friend started driving away
while I was still half out of the car.

To this day I am completely amazed
that we didn’t get nailed for that
as before we even got out of the cop’s sight
he was already driving like a seasoned maniac
off his meds
with complete disregard for law or life
as I continued to swig back tall cans
wondering why I did this to myself
one maniac after another
because I was a maniac magnet
they come in all forms
cute and cuddly
marauding and malicious
doesn’t matter
they will find me
and turn everything into
what the fuck
in a matter of minutes.

I’m not surprised anymore
I just drink
and the last thing I recall
before arriving home somehow
was pissing in the middle of a busy intersection
with the car idling across somebody’s lawn.

Six months ago
he sent me a photo of himself
all sketched out on blow
surrounded by monkeys
with a terrified look on his face
when I asked him how he was doing.

lately I had received another photo
of him clasping the hearty tits of an
old five-dollar hooker from behind
with the message:
“Merry Christmas from Cuba, Motherfucker!”

Yeah, well Merry Christmas
to you too,
motherfucker.

Maria!

You Can Either Make Murder or Music Out of Your Absurd Life

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I frowned
at the four tall cans in the fridge
as my big fat yellow
more-butch-than-brains cat
leaned heavily into my legs
almost knocking me the hell over.

“Come on, I need those things!” I complained.
My cat gave a low curling whine
that I understood more than most
and flopped onto its back
wanting me to rub his belly.

“No way, you selfish prick
I’m grabbing a tall can!”

Four tall cans
was all I had but
that ought to do it for me
then I could fall directly into
a deep sea of sleep until whenever
I wanted to.

Now for a cigarette.

My other cat accosted me in the hallway
with the full authority of knowing that
whatever I had to do at the time
could not have been as important as
petting or feeding her
so she scrambled towards my legs
chirping incessantly.

I tried to shuffle around her but
the thing rushed to match my steps
forcing me to find a new place
to land my feet and to stumble about
in the process of doing so
because she was a furry little idiot and
I was an overgrown moron
and here we were
doing this dance and all
that I wanted to do was possibly
make it to the garage and away
from this daunting furry hazard
but the dance continued
right up to the door
so I laughed to myself:
“Ha!”

Life is so absurd
sometimes
so ridiculously funny
but you can either make murder
or music out of it
and the difference
means everything to you
and especially to those that
depend on you

so I picked up the furry little danger-bag
and held it purring
close to my chest.

“I love you.” I said.

Fuck Future Shop

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The boy that works at Future Shop
corrected me on a detail of
the laptop I was considering for purchase
and he seemed so happy to do so
that I wondered if that was all that there was for him
and what that said about the state of our nation
as I impatiently stood in the aisle
under the bright lights so glaring and inhumane
with remote control helicopters
menacingly circling my position
and I’ve been hung-over as fuck for
the second day now.
Damn.

I got my merchandise
was polite to the inept cashier
and strolled out into the night a happy man
because I was now going to the pub
where under lights mellow and warm
there was always someone ready to hand you a beer
and this is what we have been doing
for hundreds of years
before Future Shop.

Fuck Future Shop.