Tag Archives: psycho

Killing My Neighbor Softly With an Ice-scraper (A Dark Comedy)

It was only -17C this morning but still I had to scrape off and warm up the car hopefully without stumbling this time and helplessly sliding down the sloped driveway screaming towards the merciless blade of the gigantic plow that marauds our street in these ridiculous hours because I once again forgot to purchase road-salt at the beer store.

So after I quickly threw on multiple layers of clothes, scarves, duct-tape, old newspaper and my jacket before stuffing pillows into every available space I then set myself on fire, opened the front door and charged towards my car with the ice-scraper in hand like a war-crazed native from a dense jungle wall.

As I was viciously scraping the impenetrable ice from my windshield my next door neighbor casually strolled out of his garage whistling Niel Young with his hands shoved deep into his pockets as if it were a calm spring morning. I scraped faster trying to avoid eye contact which was an exercise in futility because he was standing right beside me.

“Hey Neighbor! Nice crisp morning, ain’t it?”
“Crisp.” I said. “Like lettuce.”

I scraped even faster. You could barely see the scraper by this point it was moving so fast. He started wandering around my car.

“You get any letters from the city?”
“no…lettt..tt..err…s..s.” My teeth were chattering and starting to crack. Please go away, please please go away and I’ll never jerk off again. I thought.
“Well, welly well well…I got a couple.” He exclaimed as though the very idea of it aroused him. “One for my truck being a couple inches out onto the sidewalk overnight and another for the sidewalk not being cleared.”
“That’s horribb..bb..bb..le.” By this point there were icicles forming in my esophagus and my eyes were crystalizing.

He obviously didn’t share my pain because he was a polar bear of a man and had a lot more blubber encasing his bones than my South American ass. But I couldn’t be anything but nice to him because he was always kind and plowed our driveway whenever it snowed so I occasionally cut the eternally joyous fuck’s lawn in the summer.

I was just about done and he was strolling towards the road where his wife was calmly seated in their nice warm minivan when he turned to me and began talking about the weather just as I was about to scurry back inside like a cockroach when the lights came on.

I thought about killing him to end my misery. Sometimes certain things had to be done and this was why people turned on each other. I could lunge forward and ram the scraper into his throat, thus rendering it futile for him to breathe. I could picture his huge head turning beet-red as he helplessly clutched at his crushed larynx until he fell lifelessly backwards to thud against the pavement.

But then there was his wife that had witnessed it. Would have to take care of her too and then ditch the minivan. Fuck, that might make me late for work.

Yes, when you are talking to someone who is quickly turning into a snowman this is what is rolling through their head. Be kind to your neighbors who are not whale-seals like your complacent couch-eating selves and just let them scrape for God’s sake or maybe next time you’ll end up garbage-bagged under a foundation of the housing project across the field wondering what was going to happen on the next episode of Duck Dynasty.



People Lose it All the Time and become ghosts of themselves lost to what they think the world has become

I have seen a lot of people
absolutely lose it
on me
on other people, dogs, llamas, monkeys
on private and public property, televisions, fence posts
over bosses, ex’s, children, football games
soup arriving without crackers
or just in general for no reason at all
buying a one-way ticket to the asylum
to be greeted by a dazzling array of chattering teeth
and quickly put to work cutting up paper dolls
in the basement of some psyche ward
where the mind is numbed by pills in small paper cups
and all the women want to be your mother
or perhaps sailing off the end of the world will translate
into looking for god under a rock
arms flapping out into the wilderness
quoting daffy duck.

It’s not disturbing
It’s pretty normal
It happens all the time
I wait for it to happen
watch the steam build until it starts
piping out the ears
All Aboard!
and people become ghosts of themselves
lost to what they think the world has become.

I sometimes don’t know that it’s about to happen
such as when offering a visiting friend
some stir-fry
he gazes at me with eyes as dark as a
Stephen King novel before he
kicks his chair over
slam-dunks his freshly-opened can of beer
onto the cement floor
(which was my last one, by the way)
and tears the garage door open
almost ripping it from its frame
before disappearing into the night.

I personally didn’t think
the stir-fry was that bad.

It’s all relatively normal
people cry, become angry, get hurt and hold it in
the world is not a fair place and
neither is anybody inside of it
Me! Me! Me! Me! ME!
it can weigh you down or
burn you up so this kind of shit
happens all the time
because everybody is absolutely fucking nuts and we live on
the largest asylum anywhere and
fuck, babies should come with straight-jackets
because very little makes sense if any of it
makes any sense at all
and I love my eggs scrambled
with a side of Kafka and

Dostoyevsky was a drag, Man

So a little breakdown
here and there can clear
things up and make the sky
blue again for a little while.

The ones that you should truly
watch out for are those
that are so smart that
they have their shit together
all the time
all wrapped so perfectly up
into a neat little package

fuck them, by the way

you know (I know you know),
the sociopaths with freshly pressed
brightly coloured shirts
and teeth so white that it
hurts to look at them
with meticulously manufactured
manicured mentalities
that stand up so straight that
they might use a toothbrush on their face and
there also might be something very wrong with them
underneath the manic smile
something dark and hideously deranged
gliding just beneath that
well-flossed veneer
felt like electricity in a handshake
because everything is just so fucking perfect
in a world of shit
and they are not fooling anyone
but themselves
so when it finally comes
it’s going to come big
like Waco, Manson, Magnotta
Holmes (wanna go see a movie?)
and in the end there will be
yellow tape wrapped around everything
as sirens light up the neighbourhood
like Christmas in Hell
and all the normal crazy people
will gather to watch because we’re all just
faces on the side of a cereal box.

snap, crackle, pop.