Problem Solved

I had no interest in her at first
because everybody liked her
even the girls
and all I heard about was her..her…HER!
And I was under the mindset that
if everyone all really liked something
than it couldn’t have been very good.

I had recently started working
at a textile factory
watching fabric spin around
all day.
It was great
if you were inept at doing
anything else.

In the break room
late October
when it was just the two of us
and we had not even spoken yet
I really looked at this girl
the one that everyone adored
(when she wasn’t looking)
and for the first time
I could see what all the commotion was about.

I have never seen a woman look so much like a
porcelain doll
in her tattered Ozzy shirt and track pants
in this godforsaken shed out behind the factory
in this godforsaken town
and I thought to myself,
What the Hell are you doing here?

I got lost somewhere in staring at her
when I noticed that she was looking back at me.
So much for stealth or finesse or…(drinks scotch)
“How are you?” She asked.
I tried to compose myself
but found it rather difficult.
“Good?” I returned.
“Is that a question?”
She laughed. “I’m Anne.”
“I’m truly honoured.”

At the time I was dating a girl from England
She had a great ass and horrible teeth.
She was rich, spoiled
and acted like it
everywhere we went.

She was so pretentious that she
called me from England after her second day visiting
and spoke to me in an English accent
that she never had before.
I couldn’t believe that she was that stupid
or thought that I was.

During that time
I had gotten to know Anne
and I started singing the same tune as everybody else.

I went over there with two friends from work
one who in desperation to impress her had brought over a 40 of vodka
that he dropped on her doorstep to smash all over the floor and I almost
didn’t laugh.

There was something different about Anne
when she answered the door
she wore a dress, had on makeup
had put down her hair
and when my friends left
she wanted me to stay.

I stayed.

We sat down.
She started to say something,
then stopped
and then started again…

“I’ve got feelings for you.” She shrugged.

My response was to kiss her
immediately as I did not want to
waste any more time.

Soft, slow, lingering…

“I’ve been wanting to do that since I first looked at you.
I mean, really looked at you.
Inside and out.” I said
as we pulled apart.

It was true.
She was a uniquely beautifully brilliant treasure.

And in response to that
Anne grabbed me and kissed me back.
Oh god! Did she ever!
It was delicious and beautiful and glorious and just perfect until
“Wait,” She said, “we can’t do this. I mean, I can’t do this.
You’re in a relationship and I’m not that kind of girl.”

Really? Because I thought that…well, after you just…but…nevermind.

“Okay, alright…” I said, “I know you’re a good person
and I would not put you in that kind of unfortunate situation
so here is what I’m going to do.
Pass me your phone.”

I called my girlfriend up.
She answered all happy to hear from me.
“Listen,” I said, “I’ve been thinking about our problems lately.”
“What? What problems? What are you talking about?”
“I’m glad to hear that you’ve been doing the same,” I continued,
“because I think it’s time we went our separate ways.”
“What’s going on? I don’t understand.” I could hear anger in her voice.
I bet she would be fuming about this for a spell.
“Yeah, well I’m glad that you understand.
It’s over between us.
Have a good night.” I said softly.

I hung up
threw the phone on the other couch
and put my arm back around Anne.

“Problem solved.” I said.



10 thoughts on “Problem Solved

  1. iamf8

    Some great lines in this one, I especially liked these;

    “I have never seen a woman look so much like a
    porcelain doll
    in her tattered Ozzy shirt and track pants
    in this godforsaken shed out behind the factory
    in this godforsaken town
    and I thought to myself,
    What the Hell are you doing here?”

    (removes scalp of lunch date)


    1. HJM Post author

      yeah that’s my fav too. I remember that day well. You should have seen her. i was just a grunt from Cambridge what did I know about angels. But I learned…and haven’t stopped learning since (power-drills hole in side of head for ventilation)


  2. Between the shadows

    you seem to be good at solving problems 🙂 I’d continue my comment on the funny side, but it will not be a good first impression …
    As for the poem … if Anne is a real person, she sure is lucky to have someone inspired that much


    1. HJM Post author

      Thank you! She is, though it has been so long she is one of the few that truly has inspired me and I keep her memory close to my heart.


  3. S.

    Now I know. You should write your memoirs. That way I wouldn’t go insane imagining what your angel became eventually… I’d just have to read further!
    Great one!


    1. HJM Post author

      Thank you so much. It means a lot. I am actually going to put all of these into a memoir of sorts. That way it just doesn’t disappear into blog-land which to me has become almost meaningless now that I know how it works but still, it’s nice to have people that actually read and actually appreciate the shit you put out because it meant something to you when you wrote it.



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